


Fallen Angels

by rebelGG



Category: LOONA (Korea Band)
Genre: Angst, Dark, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Healing, Recovery, Self-Discovery, Trigger Warnings, leaderline
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-16
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-28 23:41:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,232
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23165653
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rebelGG/pseuds/rebelGG
Summary: Haseul's journey of love, loss, recovery and discovery. What happened in Colorado stayed in Colorado until Haseul is reunited with Sooyoung and Jungeun, who has an uncanny resemblance to her first love.
Relationships: Ha Sooyoung | Yves/Jo Haseul, Jo Haseul/Kim Jungeun | Kim Lip
Kudos: 14





	1. Colorado

**Author's Note:**

> Cross posted from my AFF account. This is a fic I started back in June 2019.
> 
> *Trigger warning for references to a motor accident, the hospital and emotional trauma. Only applicable to chapters 1 and 3.
> 
> Chapter 1 - What happened in Colorado  
>   
> Chapter 2 - Haseul hits a hard reset button on life  
>   
> Chapter 3 - Haseul gets a second chance  
>   
> Chapter 4 - Reunion gone wrong  
> 

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happened in Colorado

***Trigger warning: This chapter contains references to a motor accident and the hospital.

~~~

It was the year they crashed their motorbike.

If her memory served her correctly, it was another hot summer day in Colorado. Haseul's mind was still hazy, with occasional snippets of memory drift in and out of her mind at the strangest of times.

Last thing Haseul remembered, she was on the backseat of a motorbike. Her arms wrapped around her girlfriend's waist holding tightly as they sped and weaved through traffic without a care in the world, earning a few honks and profanities from those who shared the road.

But they don't matter, Haseul was in too deep to see anyone or anything else at that moment.

Any remnant of reason was thrown out the window the moment she made the choice to abandon her lifelong dream of being an opera singer to run away with her girlfriend.

Haseul has never felt so content and at ease as rested her head against the driver's broad back and square shoulders, feeling a slight tickle from the tips of the beautiful golden blonde locks overflowing the helmet.

Haseul closed her eyes to the smell of avocado and a wave of warmth washed over her heart. As far as she could tell, it wasn't heartburn. Which could only mean one thing: she was head over heels for this girl, Kimberly Lippington.

At that moment, the universe was aligned, giving Haseul everything she wanted. The ends of her lips curved up to form a smile with just the thought of being with Lippie. If only she could stop time, Haseul would capture this moment in a bottle and stay like that forever.

Except fate had other plans and denied Haseul the happiness which took her so long to find, leaving her with nothing except for endless pain. Haseul wasn't naive; she knew life wasn't fair. Only everything that happened to her was just so unbelievably unfair, she wondered what she had done to deserve it.

The moment of happiness lasted just for a moment, broken by the obnoxious sound of loud honking. That's when everything came crashing down.

No one knew exactly what happened that day. The accident happened in a flash. One moment she had Lippie around her arms, the next she was thrown to the ground and the bike overturned in flames.

She landed on her back, and a throbbing pain shot through her. Haseul opened her eyes and she could see the other motionless a few feet away from her.

Haseul tried to reach for her except her aching body refused and her eye lids felt heavy.

~~~

Streams of tears uncontrollably drop from her face whenever Haseul thinks about her girlfriend.

The first time they met, Haseul was in Colorado, training to be an opera singer. Well, that was the original plan until that fateful day at the avocado stand.

On her way home from opera class, she stopped by the fruit stand. Haseul loved making drinks, especially avocado.

The only person there had her back to Haseul, grunting as she picked up a crate full of fruit. Without notice, the girl turned around, flipping her golden yellow blonde hair against a blinding light. It was at that moment Haseul knew there was no turning back.

The girl was perfect in every way, even with beads of sweats on her forehead and slightly disheveled hair.

Haseul's heart throbbed and that's when she realized she wasn't straight.

"See something you like?" the girl had a distinctive voice. Her words were blunt and forward, as if she could tell what was going through Haseul's mind.

You. That was what Haseul wanted to say, except her voice was caught in her throat.

Remembering what she was there for before getting distracted by the pretty girl "uh... this" she randomly picked up a piece of fruit next to her, a single avocado.

The girl looked at her with a raised eyebrow "That'll be a dollar."

Fumbling with her wallet before dropping a few coins, Haseul luckily still had the presence of mind to collect the fruit before hurriedly running away.

For the rest of that day she did nothing but mindlessly stared at the lone avocado on the counter top. Haseul sighed as she lowered herself to rest her head on the table, at eye level with the fruit. Her mind replaying the short interaction with the blonde girl at the fruit stand over and over again.

Well, it wasn't like she could make a drink with only one avocado.

Ever since that day, she'd make her way over to the fruit stand after opera class just so she could say sheepishly say hi to the pretty blonde and buy exactly one avocado.

Haseul would take her time there, pretending to inspect the fruits, lingering a bit longer to steal a few glances at the girl. To be honest she didn't know how to pick them; she was there for another reason.

By the end of a few weeks Haseul had a dozen avocados on the counter top. She decided it was time do something about it, rushing out the door only to see the girl at the front yard, mowing the lawns in their neighborhood.

"Exactly how many jobs do you have?" Haseul inquired

The girl pushed the blond hair off her face, wiped the beads of sweat off her forehead before looking at Haseul "Just enough to pay off my bike. A few more days of this and I'll be free again."

Turns out she took all these jobs to pay for one expensive motorbike, with an engine that made a distinctive loud revving noise.

"I'm Jane by the way." Haseul introduced herself.

That is when she found the girl had a bit of an attitude and learned her name was Kimberly Lippington.

"Just call me Lippie" she said "No one calls me Kimberly, not even my own parents."

The rather interesting name bought attention to her lips and Haseul found herself imagining how soft they were and what it'd feel like against her own.

Haseul blush sheepishly when she was caught staring and out of habit Haseul pulled her hair behind her ear.

"Your ear, its folded." turns out the other girl was watching her every move.

"It's always been like this." upon noticing the awkward atmosphere Haseul decided to change the topic "So, why'd you get a bike?"

Lippie's eyes lighted up at the mention of motorbikes "For the thrill and sense of freedom. There's nothing like being part of the open road, feeling the wind against you."

"Isn't it dangerous?" that is what Haseul's been told all her life, which is why she lived a clean and upright life being goody two-shoes, never done anything remotely out of line or reckless.

The girl in front of her was complete opposite, which made her so intriguing.

"Oh come on, why are you so stiff? Life's short, live a little, will you?"

Haseul's heart was drawn to her, thoughts lost to her mesmerizing brown eyes "Why don't you show me then?"

"Challenge accepted."

And just like that she followed Lippie here and there and eventually everywhere, to a bike shop where they got matching black leather jackets. Even to clubs and parties where they did some rather questionable things, downing liquids that burned her throat and inhaling strange substances resembling weed.

This was what Lippie like to call 'Living for the moment' and after a while, Haseul grew accustomed to this kind of life, even embracing it somewhat.

It was another night at the club as the two of them made their way through the usual crowd and loud music, to a booth by the corner. After a few drinks Haseul's face felt warm and something came over her, perhaps it was the liquor removing her inhibitions.

Their lips met and her heart exploded.

When they finally broke apart Lippie teased "I was starting to think you'd never make a move."

"Just kiss me already."

~~~

Unfortunately, all good things come to an end and misfortune seemed to follow Haseul like some kind of curse.

"What do you think you are doing Jo Haseul???"

This time they were drinking at her house, her conservative parents were on a trip and weren't supposed to be back for another day. But here they were, caught red handed and nothing was going to get her out of this.

A moment of indiscretion and everything came crumbling down. That night, the stash of alcohol and weed was thrown away; she got an earful and was grounded until further notice.

The following week, she'd stage little rebellions here and there to express her displeasure at being told what she could or could not do or who she could and could not date, her original dream of being an opera singer no longer a priority.

Enough was enough.

One morning, Haseul watched as her girlfriend rolled up to her house, revving the motorbike "I got a tank full of gas to burn, we could drive for miles and miles and leave this place. What do you say?"

Running away. It was a very Lippie kind of thing to do.

Screw it. Haseul decided to throw caution in the wind, escape and leave everything behind, consequences be damned.

And it was the happiest moment of her life until they ended up at the hospital. Haseul suffered a minor concussion along with a few scratches. Unlike her girlfriend, who sustained major injuries.

She didn't have time to rest; things needed to be done, life and death decisions needed to be made. Pages of questionnaires needed to be filled before each procedure, most of which asked if her girlfriend smoked, drank alcohol and did drugs. The answer to all of them was yes, and none of it favorable for someone about to go into surgery.

Starting from the crowds at the emergency room, she waited for scans at medical imaging before being transferred to the ward. After the surgeon explained the procedure to her, they waited at the pre-surgical operation area before finally moving to the operating room. All of it was unfamiliar to Haseul, who has only been here once to visit a sick relative. And now she has seen more of the hospital in the last twenty hours than all her life.

At the end of an empty hallway outside the operating room, Haseul cried uncontrollably. The emotions she had suppressed and kept in check for most of that day overwhelming her when there was nothing she could do but wait.

The operation took a while and after what must have been hours, they told her the news. The surgery was successful in that her girlfriend was still alive, only they can't tell when she'll wake up.

Everyday Haseul visited even if was physically and mentally exhausting. She became accustomed to the hallway’s drab grey walls, the distinctive nose-wrenching disinfectant scent. She exchanged pleasantries with the nurses stationed there before going inside the room which Lippie shared with two other patients, separated only by puke green curtain dividers.

"When are you going to wake up?" Haseul would ask the same question every day. There was no response except for the beeping sound of the machines keeping her girlfriend alive.

It was a night like any other night, Haseul sat by her girlfriend's side, waiting for movements that never came. The curtains were up, providing some privacy and blocking the view of whoever was with them.

A rowdy patient at the end of the shared room triggered an alarm. Not long after, a nurse came in to check up on her.

"That one is a handful isn't she?" another patient tried to strike up a conversation

To which the nurse responded “Sure is. And you are?”

“Satan” said the voice behind the curtain, with a hint of playfulness

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English names will be used when they're in Colorado, and I will go back to their Korean names for the rest of the story.


	2. Hard reset

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haseul hit a reset button on life

"When are you going to wake up?"

To the motionless body in the bed next to her Haseul repeated the same question again and again, hoping for something, anything.

It's all in vain though, as she was greeted with nothing except for silence. There was no reaction; no flickering eyelids, no finger twitch, no sign she was coming back.

She'll come around, Haseul held on to the thought.

Clinging onto hope was the only thing that kept her going, her body running on nothing except a stale donut and black coffee at the only food service available. She was aware of toll on her body and mind; her mental state deteriorating, sanity slipping away bit by bit with no end in sight.

Haseul wakes to a dull headache, her head constantly clouded by a layer of fog. When things needed to be done, there was a purpose and it would be her sole focus. When there wasn't, her mind kept drifting to pessimistic thoughts.

Day after day she'd make her way to this suffocating place full of pain, walk past the same dimly lit hallway and tried to carry on as if everything was ok.

None of what's happening was ok. Not even a little bit; not at all.

Haseul made no attempt to hide how she was feeling inside, and anyone looking closely could see the sadness and emptiness in her eyes.

After a week Haseul lost track of how many days has passed. Sometimes she'd sit in the waiting area just outside the ward while the nurses made their rounds.

There was a large window in the waiting area, one can see the garden down below and the majestic blue mountains far away on clear days. A granny with a wheeled walker came by daily for the view. Out of politeness, Haseul would muster a weak smile when their eyes met.

"It's a beautiful day, isn't it?" the granny commented "I wish I could go outside to feel the sunshine and smell the fresh air."

Her remark made Haseul realize how much she has taken for granted. Even something as simple a stroll under the sun seemed so unreachable for the patients unfortunate enough to end up here.

She overheard others talk about the future and all the things they'd like to do in a year, when she could barely see tomorrow, struggling to survive another day.

It was suffocating. She questioned what kind of life this was and what was the point of living if she had to live like this. Sometimes she'd blame herself; if they didn't get caught none of this would've happened.

It was a night like any other night, Haseul sat by her girlfriend's side, waiting for movements that never came. The curtains were up, providing some privacy and blocking the view of whoever was with them.

A rowdy patient at the end of the shared room triggered an alarm. Not long after, a nurse came in to check up on her.

"That one is a handful isn't she?" another patient tried to strike up a conversation

To which the nurse responded “Sure is. And you are?”

“Satan” said the voice behind the curtain, with a hint of playfulness

It was the last thing Haseul’d expect to hear and she couldn't help but smile upon hearing something so ridiculously out of place. After the emotional rollercoaster she’d gone through lately it brought a much needed comedic relief. She hadn't realized how much she needed it.

“Ok, Satan...What? Wait a minute” the nurse caught on to the trickery

A chuckle could be heard from the girl behind the curtain.

“Very funny..." the nurse turned to the whiteboard to read the patient's info "Miss Yves. I'll be keeping my eye on you.”

"Don't mind if you do. There's nothing else to do in this place."

And that's how Haseul knew the girl in next bed was quite a character.

Haseul mindlessly stared at a chair by the corridor, waiting outside while the staff routinely made their nightly rounds, when someone emerged from the room.

A tall girl dragged an IV stand along as walked towards Haseul. At this hour there were plenty of seats, and she chose to sit right across from Haseul.

"What's a pretty girl like you doing here?" the tall girl asked, eyes curious, voice flirtatious

Haseul may not have seen her face; however, she certainly recognized the voice "Waiting for someone."

She had hoped the other would catch the somewhat dismissive tone and leave her alone. Only she didn't. Haseul figured the other was probably bored out of her mind. There was nothing to do in the hospital after all.

“Ah, you must be one who blabs nonstop to the vegetable next to me.”

At the mention of what she least wanted to hear Haseul raised her voice “Watch who you're calling a vegetable! She's my girlfriend."

"Oh, I hit a nerve." _Satan_ smirked, seemingly entertained by Haseul's reaction "Girlfriend huh?"

"And I suppose you’re Satan?”

“That’s right, cause no girl can resist my charms." followed by a wink

_Wow. The audacity of this girl._

Haseul wasn't sure what it was, the confidence and arrogance to flirt with her, when she'd already made it clear she was taken and they were at a place full of suffering and pain.

Her heart already belonged to Lippie. Even Satan couldn't change that.

“There you are, Miss Yves! Time for your nightly checkup.” their little exchange was interrupted by a nurse who chased her all the way out here to give Satan a checkup.

“Aww, can’t it wait?" she pouted

Yves begrudgingly stood up and walked towards the nurse. She wore a hospital gown, a thin piece of fabric which was slightly revealing. Along with the one piece were the standard issue socks, a thick pair with rubber grips in the shape of a smiley face.

"When am I going to be free from this thing?” pointing to the IV cart where her tube was chained to, with a bag of morphine hanging at the top.

  
The nurse smiled at Yves's rather cute whining before proceeding with her task. While Satan was occupied Haseul took the chance to slip away.

The next night, after she said goodnight to Lippie, Haseul found Yves staring out a window by the elevator on her way out. Her tall frame resting against the glass, lights from the street lamps reflecting off her pale skin.

It was as if there was something heavy weighing on her mind, solemnly contemplating something serious.

Yves must have heard the echo of her footsteps in the deserted hallway as she approached. The girl gave Haseul a small smile. Unlike the smirk from the previous day, it had a hint of sadness behind it. Maybe it was the look in her eyes.

She didn't expect to see this side of Yves, hidden behind the jokes and playfulness. It made Haseul think there was more to her than she let on.

“How are you feeling today?” Haseul casually asked

“Oh, the usual. It might get better real soon.” the spunk in her voice was gone; Yves seemed a bit more serious tonight.

A ding signified her way out “See you tomorrow.”

There was no response from Yves. As the elevator doors closed Haseul watched Yves return to the blank look out the window.

When Haseul arrived the next day, the curtain was pulled back, revealing the rest of the room. The bed next to her was neatly made, empty and cleared out. She never saw Yves again and a part of her wondered what happened.

~~~

A week slipped into two and Lippie showed no signs of recovery. The doctors all but told her it was hopeless. "A persistent vegetative state" was the terminology they threw at her.

Refusing to accept this, Haseul desperately tried to search for answers, seeking second opinions. There must be similar cases, experimental treatments, past miracles.

They said none of it would help in her case and that there was nothing more to do. At this news her heart broke and the feeling of helplessness overwhelmed her.

Without warning, her life turned upside down. Her mind unable and unwilling to accept this reality; not enough time has passed by for her to process it all.

The world didn't stop just because hers was crumbling. Haseul tried to go back to her routine, did everything Lippie used to, as if it will make her feel closer and bring her back somehow.

Tears continued to flow uncontrollably every time she thought about her girlfriend. She wore sunglasses to hide her puffy eyes, even on cloudy, rainy days. Whenever she could she'd excuse herself to cry silently in the privacy of the washroom stall.

Hesitation was written in every step she took toward class. Every moment she second guessed herself, wondering what she was doing there or why the sun goes on shining when everything was so screwed up.

All her life, Haseul only had one goal. She saw herself singing opera in front of a sold out crowd at a concert hall. It was her drive and motivation, her purpose in life. Every day she'd step out confidently with a clear destination and direction.

It's different now. She's surrounded by a heavy fog, can't make out anything more than a few steps. She's lost and can't tell where she is going. She questioned everything she was doing and what was it all for.

What was the point of singing when the one her heart belonged to couldn't hear her?

Similar thoughts ran through her mind each day. That they had shared the last moments together, there was nothing left but memories. Her heart filled with regrets, all the things she hadn’t said and done.

The people around her told her to smile, because singers smiled.

_How could she possibly smile when she was an emotional wreck?_

For them she put on a brave front, forcing a smile on the outside while she died a little on the inside with each passing day.

They say time heals all wounds. Haseul wondered if that's true because the pain she felt in her heart did not subside in the days, weeks or the months after. She was trapped in an emotional hellhole, there was nothing she could do to save herself and there was no escape.

Eventually she started missing class, drank in broad daylight as she laid on the beach to sulk and ponder at her miserable existence.

One day she simply didn’t go home.

Someone had found her, a drunken mess washed along the shore, and took her back. Much later she learned it was a tall girl in a biker jacket who sounded a lot like Yves.

This was the last straw, the end of the line to what her parents could tolerate. They've had enough of this self destructive behavior and decided to drag her back to Korea, hoping she'd come to her senses with a change in scenery.

It was there, in the country side where her grandparents lived, where Haseul found solace.

In directly contrast to city's bright lights and endless distractions, there was nothing except for golden fields of wheat, stretching across as far as the eye could see.

Haseul could tell her grandparents knew something was wrong. Instead of asking or intruding with advice, they simply took her in supportively and let her deal with her problems at her own pace, in her own way. There was no judgment and Haseul was extremely grateful for that.

They didn't have much, only the basic essentials needed to live comfortably; nothing more, nothing less.

Life here was reduced to meeting and fulfilling the simple needs of food, clothing and shelter. There were no complicated problems without solutions.

It was in helping her grandparents with mundane tasks that help took her mind off things allowed her to reset.

The physical work of carrying charcoal to the storage for the winter, peeling potatoes and washing vegetables in the frigid cold water. These were simple, yet fulfilling tasks that helped take away the emptiness.

One autumn day, Haseul was raking the leaves into piles when a tiny white dog came to her out of the blue.

The dog, which she affectionately named HaDong, followed her almost everywhere. It was in taking care of it each day where she found the simple joys of life again and another reason for living.

In the storage shed, Haseul discovered the very first guitar she first bought. It was beautifully made, and after all these years, slightly out of tune. With a bit of tweaking and the strum of the strings, a familiar sound filled the air and Haseul sang again for the first time in a long time.

All the things from Colorado was placed in a box, sealed and locked away, never to be opened again.

If only it was that simple.


	3. Second chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Haseul gets a second chance

***Trigger Warning: This chapter contains references to emotional trauma

~~~

Memories.

_Can they be erased? Do they fade with time?_

Painful emotions that cut like knife.

_Can they be suppressed? Was it endless?_

Haseul leaned her head against the wall, hands rising to massage her temple. She could feel something was wrong with her, head hurt from spinning in circles. Her eyebrows knitted together into a frown and forehead veins bulging from the stress.

She knew very well she was a broken mess, damaged beyond repair.

As much as she tried to deny, in her heart she knew she’d never be the same. That a part of her was missing and she probably will never be whole again.

It’s overwhelming. She never considered herself to be an emotional person until now; she always thought she was in control, of herself, of her own emotions.

Oh, how wrong she was.

Like a cup filled to the brim, teetering at the breaking point, her emotions were on the verge of overflowing at the slightest of movements. One tiny push and everything crumbles down.

It’s been a few months since she left the protective bubble of her grandparents and moved back to the city with HaDong.

It was familiar yet strange at the same time, going back to her old life. It felt like another lifetime, retracing the places she's been all her life. A lot of it was recognizable yet it's different now.

Perhaps it's changing perspective. The same thing looks different depending on your state of mind.

Haseul tried to move on, to find a replacement to negative thoughts. To focus on today, on one thing. Taking on things little by little, one step at a time, slowly try to forget with each passing day.

Oh, how she tried.

Only she didn't realize was how much energy was exerted in attempts to appear normal, as if everything was fine.

The campus was packed with students on her way to class. As Haseul walked by others she put on the smile she had practiced. Why did she have to practice smiling? Because it no longer came naturally to her or as often as before.

There will be moments where she’ll be okay, thinking she can get through this. She even managed to make a random joke the other day.

Just when Haseul thought she was getting a little better and there was a glimmer of hope, random events would trigger those dark memories when she least expected it.

In a flash, repressed memories surfaced out of the blue and it’s all she can think about for the rest of that day.

Like today, Haseul passed by the market on a route that she frequented, her eyes lazily landed on a girl struggling to move a box of avocado.

At the sight of this her eyes welled with tears. That’s all it took for those buried memories to rush back. Whatever was left of her mental and emotional space dissolved, leaving nothing behind.

_No. Not again._

Her mind kept going back to that day as Haseul hyperventilated, shaking her head as she struggled. In contrast to the usual calm, her breathes were short and loud, her vision blurry from the sudden influx of tears, losing in the fight to remain collected.

She tried to do everything in her power to not completely breakdown emotionally right there and then. It was an utter failure as raw emotions overpowered her, shattering her to pieces.

When it became too overwhelming her mind and body signaled to shutdown.

For the rest of that day, Haseul did nothing but curl in a tiny ball, wrapping her arms around herself on her bed. Tears continued to fall uncontrollably as she sobbed for what must have been hours until she could get a hold of herself.

_She thought she had let go._

_She so thought she had let go._

~~~

Feelings like these occur in waves that are triggered by reminders of its cause.

It recurred over and over.

Every time it happened Haseul felt like she took one step forward and two steps back.

It's exhausting to miss someone, to long for them, to constantly search for emotional peace. Days like these were long, the minutes and seconds drag on.

Where did this leave her? Back to square one. There was no choice to collect the shattered pieces she left behind and try to rebuild again.

That's when Haseul realized this wasn't going to be easy. The healing processing was going to be a long, painful journey.

  
The next morning the sun continued to rise, the light shone through the curtains and she could feel the warmth on her skin. Something furry nudged at her feet that dangled off the bed.

_Right, her dog._ Haseul was so consumed by yesterday's events she had completely forgot about HaDong, the poor thing.

"I'm so sorry." was all she could mutter as she lowered herself to pet HaDong before proceeding to fill the dog bowl with food and water.

The dog served as a reminder that she had responsibilities. There was no choice but to continue on, to begin again and to get through the day however she could, no matter how difficult it was.

This was the reality she had to accept.

Haseul tried different ways of coping, none of it really worked. Not only did she felt exhausted mentally, but the feelings did not subside and the problem did not resolve.

She knew she couldn't go on like this.

Laughter helped. When Haseul felt overwhelmed, she could crack a joke or be a little silly in an effort to make herself laugh. The headache eased and allowed her mind to go back to a slightly brighter place. It made her feel a little better, at least for a moment.

When she contemplated what she enjoyed before she was caught in this downward spiral, it always went back to singing.

Laughing lifted her state of mind; singing was what she needed to fill the void. It was her dream and focusing on it brought a little bit of light back into her world.

If only she didn't blow her only chance at opera, she wouldn't have to go down the path of an idol singer.

This was a problem because the vocal technique was different and dancing wasn't exactly her forte. Instead of grace and elegance, this genre favored the bold and flashy.

At the beginning of every audition she'd get her hopes up, and with every rejection Haseul consoled herself by saying it's just not the right company for her.

Haseul unfolded the crumbled piece of paper to cross another off her list. There weren't many options left now.

Next on the list was BlockBerry Creative, practically unheard of. From the name alone she could tell this place was different.

When she heard about their rather ambitious project she was skeptical, even thought they were downright delusional. But who was she to judge when she wasn't that much better herself.

When they accepted her she thought things will get easier.

It did not.

There were over fifty trainees and only twelve spots, which meant the competition was fierce as every girl was eager to debut.

Singing was all she had to fill her emptiness and BBC was her only chance. With that determination, she fought through to sing her heart out. It must have moved someone as her name was announced as the next trainee to debut.

Returning from the extremely cold trip to Iceland, things were starting to take a turn for the better until she spotted a certain someone in the group of trainees.

Haseul's jaw drop in disbelief as a girl who looked just like Lippie walked past her, practically a clone. She knew it was impossible.

_Great, I've completely lost it. Even hallucinating now._

_It must be another one of those days._

By now she was very cognizant of her limits and proceeded to request personal time off, only to come back in a few days later to the same sight.

"Hyunjin ah~" Haseul managed to speak, still unsure of herself "Is this a dream?"

"It is if you want it to be." Hyunjin wasn't the type who'd give a proper answer

She was still not convinced "Pinch me."

Ignoring the odd nature of the request, Hyunjin grabbed her arm and twisting a bit of her skin.

"Oww, that hurt!"

Haseul raised her hand, fingers pointing in the girl's direction "Do you see that girl with brown hair over there?"

"That unnie? She joined a few days ago."

It took a while until Haseul realized it was not just a figment of her imagination. She was dying from curiosity.

_Who was she? How on earth does she look like Lippie?_

Her eyes couldn't help but kept looking in her direction. Their eyes met and she knew the girl had caught her staring. Haseul's face blushed as she broke eye contact and hid behind Hyunjin, grateful for her tall frame.

She dared to glance up from Hyunjin's broad back, only to see the girl right next to her.

"Hi, I'm Jungeun" a simple hello and Haseul melts to the distinctive voice.

"H-hhhaseul, I-I'm Haseul."

It started with a simple smile, followed by an awkward handshake. The brief touch brought back waves and waves of emotions.

"Are you ok? You look like you just saw a ghost." Jungeun was straight forward, just like _her_.

"You could say that."

Perhaps it was a second chance. Maybe someone took pity on her and gave her a break, a chance to redeem herself, to start anew.

~~~

Jungeun was a tsundere; captivating one moment, a silly fool the next.

Which was probably why they hit it off and got along so well, getting close to each other within a span of a few weeks, as if they had known each other for years. It also came with a rush of feelings Haseul couldn't comprehend.

At some point Haseul gave up trying to figure how this was possible. She can't explain what you can't explain.

"You made it!!!" when Jungeun's debut was announced. Haseul, unable to hold back, gave Jungeun a peck on the cheek while Jungeun shyly covered that spot with her hand, slightly embarrassed.

She found it... cute. Seeing Jungeun like this did something to her.

In the moments they shared together, a lot of Jungeun's words and mannerisms reminded her of someone else. Jungeun was so similar to _her_. She couldn't believe it.

Haseul couldn't help but look at Jungeun a certain way. She knew in the back her mind she was trying to recreate what they had.

At times she could’ve sworn she was the same person, unable to distinguish the two. Occasionally the illusion would break, leaving her confused.  
  


Sometimes Haseul felt a little bad, that maybe she was trying to project her feelings onto Jungeun. That her motivation was selfish and she should come clean before they were too emotionally invested.

Other times she just didn’t give a damn, blinded by the need to escape the pain and find happiness again.

At Jungeun’s MV set, Haseul put on one of Jungeun’s outfit, a white blouse tucked in a bright red skirt along with a matching bow tie.

Haseul felt the hair in back her neck stand as she turned to find Jungeun eyeing her with a gaze that was anything but innocent. It made her a bit self conscious, tugging at the skirt that suddenly felt too short.

That night Jungeun gave another one of those looks. With a touch of the hands and a brush of the lips, feelings took over rational thoughts.

Haseul sleepily woke in Jungeun's arms.

"Good morning." Jungeun said as she gently caressed her face, moving the messy strands of hair behind her ear.

In the soft morning light, her hand affectionately traced over it "Your ear is uneven. It's folded."

It was the exact same comment made by _her_.

While she was confused Jungeun leaned closer, Haseul closed her eyes as their lips met.

It was a breathtaking moment she should cherish, except there was a problem.

She couldn't tell whether she genuinely liked Jungeun for who she was instead of whom she resembled. She couldn't tell if she was trying to delude herself by reliving past moments.

Because every time they kissed, she felt _her_ lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was a very difficult chapter to write. The first part of this chapter was written during my emotional low. It has been a while and it is still hard for me to read.


	4. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Reunion gone wrong

Start anew, forget the past.

Why is it so hard?

Haseul closed her eyes. Finger traced slowly across her lips as she solemnly contemplated the emotions lingering from the morning.

It was a moment that left Haseul breathless, why did she feel _her_ lips?

The countless times Haseul got lost in Jungeun's eyes, who was she looking at?

When they held hands, pulling Jungeun closer to whisper hot breathes in her ear, why did Jungeun's shy scream warm her heart?

When they were at their secret little rendezvous and her heart skip a beat, why did she feel _her_?

  
A drop of tear fell from her face, staining her shirt. Haseul's desire to have her back was constant and overpowering. Thoughts of her were in Haseul's mind always.

If Jungeun didn't resembled her, would she have felt the same?

Haseul lets out a long sigh in the dark secluded corner of the dressing room. It wasn't much, a short wooden bench behind a rack of their stage clothes. But it was her spot, the one place Haseul could hide and retreat when things became too much and she needed a moment to herself.

As if her life wasn't already a mess from things beyond her control, Haseul somehow managed to make it more complicated, so complicated.

Like twisted earphones wires, the more she tried to untangle, the more complex the knots got.

Haseul scratched her head in frustration. She hit a wall that she can't seem to get over, about to go out of her mind running in endless circles. Until she can sort out her feelings, she was determined to avoid it as much as possible. She needed to clear complicated thoughts.

If only they'd let her.

"Well, well, look who's here." a somewhat familiar voice snapped Haseul out of unwanted thoughts

Haseul opened her eyes to find a pair of eyes peaking over the clothes rack. Turning her head away, she hurriedly wiped the wetness away; she didn't want the others to see her at her weakest.

A tall, slender girl in a crop top emerged behind the clothes. Instinctively Haseul could tell she was nothing but trouble. She felt a little unsettled, her feelings and hiding place suddenly exposed.

There was a certain charm about her. Perhaps it was the gentle smile or the soft gaze in her eyes. The tall girl gave a wink as she brushed her long black hair back.

Haseul was certain she'd seen her somewhere, but she can't seem to recall where they'd met. It took a few minutes to retrieve her memories. Her eyes widened and gulped as at the realization.

This was the same girl she met at the hospital, in Colorado.

Noticing the change in her facial expression the girl commented "Ah, I see you finally remembered. I was starting to think you had forgotten about me." placing her hand over her heart, she made a pout pretending to be hurt.

_ This has to be a hallucination. _

When it didn't go away, Haseul finally managed to ask "Wh-what are you doing here?"

"It's nice to see you too." there was a hint of disappointment in her voice

Haseul was still in disbelief as she sat there staring at the girl for a while, unsure what to do when she heard Jungeun's voice

"Haseul! There you are, I've been looking everywhere for you!"

The thick tension in the air became evident as Jungeun made her way closer and took her hand into her own "Oh, did I interrupt something?"

Tall girl took a long look at their intertwined hands before raising it back to stare at Haseul with a raised eyebrow. Without a doubt there must be a million questions in her head.

As if things couldn't get any more complicated, all of her past is catching up to her now.

~~~

The setting was striking. One can see the warm glow of the sun reflecting off a long wooden bench, a stark contrast to the cold winter air.

Fluffy white feathers floated in mid air before softly landing on a girl. The girl being photographed was tall and thin, stunningly gorgeous in a dreamy white dress, with a matching hair band.

The white dress, it's beautifully made. A lace dress that flowed smoothly across her taunt figure, highlighting her curves in a pleasing manner.

“Smile” said the photographer as a sequence of clicks comes from the camera. 

_ Click. Click. Click. _

Everything was perfect except something was slightly off.

Satan pretending to be a swan. Well that’s new, not something you see every day. A view Haseul would never have imagined seeing in her lifetime.

To anyone who didn't know the girl, it was a picture perfect setting with a drop dead gorgeous model. A shy, pretty girl taking photos for her solo album.

Except this wasn't just anyone.

Normally, Haseul was a supportive leader, trying to help alleviate the awkwardness and help the new girl adjust to the set. But we are talking about Ha Sooyoung here.

The same person who she'd met in Colorado, introducing herself as Satan. She even went as far to join BBC once she'd learn Haseul debuted here.

Sooyoung might have been able to fool everyone else into thinking she’s a shy swan. In reality, she was anything but. Someone whose intention she could never gasp, whose goal seemingly was to childishly pester her non-stop and call her out for all the things she's trying desperately to hide from.

When they first heard the concept, both of them wonder just exactly how Sooyoung was going to pull it off. Haseul watched on as Sooyoung failed to strike a graceful pose.

“Think of it as karma, for bothering me all the time.”

It earned her a glare of slight annoyance from Sooyoung, to which Haseul shrugged off.

_ How was Sooyoung going to pull this off for the rest of her career? _

The awkward smile continued as the photoshoot location changed to an indoor studio. Heejin tried to break the ice for LoonaTV "Let me introduce the ninth member of Loona! She looks beautiful!"

Sooyoung, still pretending to be the shy girl, glanced over to Haseul with a smug 'Did you hear that? She just called me pretty.' 

Not wanting to acknowledge or inflate Sooyoung's ego further more than it already was, she turned to look away. In doing so, it made the atmosphere even more unnatural.

"Look close." the photographer said.

Here they were at another set, sitting next to each other on the floor wearing knits. Haseul instinctively move her hand over for a more natural pose, reaching towards Sooyoung, until she remembered who this was. At the thought of this she suddenly retreats before they made contact.

Out of the corner of her eye Sooyoung caught Haseul's gesture. She made a quick glance over while trying to keep a smile for the camera. The look in her eyes gave off a _'what do you think you're doing'_ expression.

Haseul wanted to scream on the inside. Everyone in the room, including Heejin, must have noticed the awkwardness between them by now.

~~~

It didn't take long for Sooyoung to put two and two together. She quickly caught onto what's Haseul was doing and made a point to confront her every chance she got. It was almost like a game to her.

Haseul wasn't prepared to deal with it. She wasn't nearly as witty as Sooyoung, so she did the only thing she could, disengage.

It takes two to tangle. If she didn't react to Sooyoung, then she figure the other would gradually lose interest and leave her alone. 

Every time she saw Sooyoung, she ran the other way. Whenever they made eye contact she looked away, to lessen the guilt. If Sooyoung moved to the left, she headed to the right. Considering how much time they spend together as a group, Haseul was not sure how well that’s working.

_Why can't Sooyoung just leave her alone?_

Until she finds a way to get through this, Haseul is at a loss. She chose to leave it all to chance, hoping the answer will somehow come to her eventually.

For now, she followed her heart, _to live a little_ as someone once said. 

Something overcame her. With a sudden burst of courage she grabbed Jungeun's hand, ran down the stairs to cause trouble at their latest MV set, doing things she knew they shouldn't do.

The adrenaline rush was what made their hearts race, it was compounded by a few longing stares here, light touches there. All of which led to stolen kisses in an obscure corner down the hall just out of sight.

Because this was exactly what _she_ would've done.

When they finally broke apart for much needed air, Haseul rested her head on Jungeun square shoulders as the taller wrapped her arms around her. Haseul could feel it in her heart as her mind drifted into the same thoughts again. 

It was another moment that they shared, another moment that left Haseul confused.

While she was lost in thoughts Jungeun gave her a gentle peck on the cheeks before leaving to grab a drink. Haseul broke out of deep thoughts to see Sooyoung shaking her head. She must've seen everything.

Caught red handed, Haseul turned to leave only to have Sooyoung move to block her only escape in the narrow hallway. Out of frustration she finally caved.

"What do you want from me?"

"For you to talk to me." Sooyoung frowned, knowing exactly what she was trying to do. "Why is it that every time I find you, you're trying to self destruct? On the beach in Colorado and now this???"

"I never asked for your help!" Haseul fired back, rage slowly build inside her.

Not wanting to continue this conversation, Haseul tried to slip away with a quick step to the left. Unwilling to let her run away, Yves used her long legs to maneuver in sync with her.

"You're fooling yourself." Sooyoung may have been sympathetic. However, there was a limit to what she could tolerate.

Pushed to the brink, Haseul couldn't take it anymore "You should've just left me there!"

"Why? So you can drown in self pity and throw your life away???"

Haseul glared intensely at Sooyoung. At that moment, she really hated her.

She hated Sooyoung for blatantly pointing out the obvious. She hated Sooyoung for confronting her, for not letting her get away with all the crap she tried to pull. But most of all, she hated to admit the fact that deep down she knew what she was doing is wrong and Sooyoung was right to call her out for it.

"Snap out of it! The sooner you realize, the less it’s going to hurt."

"It's none of your business, what I do with my life!"

"If what you're doing hurts both you and Jungeun, then it's my problem as a leader."

"Oh now you want to play leader." she knew it had to sting and regretted it the moment those words left her. Sooyoung may have had a more playful approach to leadership. However, she worked tirelessly to keep a chaotic subunit in line. Somehow Sooyoung always managed to bring out the worst in her.

There was a brief pause. She could tell Sooyoung was trying to pretend these words didn't bother her.

"Wake up. Jungeun is not the same as that vegetable. Covering your eyes trying to delude yourself isn't going to change anything!"

"Stop calling her a vegetable! She's my girlfriend!" Haseul snapped, it wasn’t very often she did this but too much has happened. She finally lost control.

A sudden loud shattering sound put their heated exchange to a halt; angry stares broke to turn their attention towards the source.

Standing at the end of the hall was Jungeun, mouth wide open with disbelief. Pieces of broken glass next to her, running liquid spilled on the floor.

_ No, not like this. _

Haseul felt her heart drop. She wasn't prepared for this. Her mind automatically recognizing this was going to end... bad.

"Jungeun..." she could only mutter unconvincingly "It's not what it sounds like."


End file.
